obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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