I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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