whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
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Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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