Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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