I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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