So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
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we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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