I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
