I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
