if you like me you must not know who I am
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
