wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
