Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
