can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
