i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
