and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my being single is dangerous.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
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My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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