I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
