She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
