her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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