My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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