I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i will never coherently bang her
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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