The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
