The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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