You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
