I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
