i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
