R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
