im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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