I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
