theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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