I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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