the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Boobs speak an international language.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
