He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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