my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
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Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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