Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
