just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
