Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
