I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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