I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
