he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
