im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
