Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
