Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i now understand why vodka
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
