if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
