Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
