oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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