If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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