Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
