You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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