I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
God, you're like boner-b-gone
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
