I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
