worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
