Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
