Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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