Im at strip club and am horny
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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