I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
