see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
