I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
