Fuck appropriateness.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
