i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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