Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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