dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Everyone says I win the strip club
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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